Free Parenting Advice for the next 100 Years
Decades of parenting insight & 100 years of research, collected by Jeffry A. Tunnell from three trusted sources. Don’t make parenting harder, enjoy parenting more, achieve better results.
Homework, Grades, Sports, Chores, and Parent Relationships
Does almost every day feel like a blur? Do you often find yourself wishing you had five or six more hands so you could juggle everything that comes your way? Conscientious parents in today’s world face a dizzying array of competing demands upon their time and energy. When everything heading our way feels like an ultimate essential, it can be tough to determine where to place our priorities.
On a scale of 1 to 10, how would we at Love and Logic rank the importance of homework, grades, sports, chores, and parent-child relationships? As you read, keep in mind that these rankings are based on empirical research, decades of experience with thousands of parents, educators, and other professionals… and of course my own subconscious biases. Ultimately, all of us have to decide what’s best for our unique children, families, and schools.
Homework
1------2------{3}------4------5------6------7------8------9------10
Homework is important, but nearly 100 years of research have failed to give it a stellar grade. Much of the debate reflects researchers’ difficulty determining how much homework is done by kids… and how much is primarily done by their parents.
Provide a time and place for your children to complete their homework. Help them as long as it is fun for both of you… and as long as they are doing most of the work. Since homework only receives a three on the scale, let them be responsible for either getting it done or explaining to their teacher why they haven’t. Never fight with your kids over homework.
Grades
1------2------3------4------{5}------6------7------8------9------10
Grades are important but not as important as developing character and a passion for learning. Besides, too many kids begin to gravitate toward easier subjects and classes because they are more concerned with GPA than true intellectual growth.
Sports (and other healthy extracurricular activities)
1------2------3------4------5------6------7------{8}------9------10
Kids who participate in sports, music lessons, and other healthy extracurricular activities are far less likely to become involved in drugs, sex, and other damaging behaviors. They also tend to do better in school!
Chores
1------2------3------4------5------6------7------8------9------{10}
Yes! Chores are more important than homework, grades, and extracurricular activities. Chores… completed without chronic reminders and without pay… help our kids feel more tightly connected to the family team, allow them to develop perseverance, combat entitlement, and build healthy self-esteem. In a Love and Logic home, kids get to do their homework and participate in extracurricular activities after they have finished contributing to the family.
Parent-Child Relationships
1------2------3------4------5------6------7------8------9------{10}
Love and Logic is all about developing healthy relationships… that last a lifetime. Why? Because there’s nothing more important to life-long success than our children viewing us as being simultaneously loving and strong. Too frequently this relationship is sacrificed in an attempt to nag, threaten, or punish kids into doing their homework and getting good grades.
Conclusion
There are many paths to success. Some kids go the traditional route, finding relatively easy success in learning and in school. Others struggle with school yet develop valuable skills through other avenues. When all is said and done, the priorities should always be placed on relationships, building good character, and helping kids learn to focus on their strengths.
Charles Fay, Ph.D. Love & Logic www.loveandlogic.com
If you needed a reason to establish a regimen of chores for your kids beyond, “These rugs won’t vacuum themselves,” science has your back. Research shows that cleaning the house, taking out trash, washing windows or whatever else you might throw at the buggers instills a sense of mastery, self-reliance, responsibility, empathy and respect for others — and the sooner you start, the better.
The study, which checked in with 84 kids during preschool and then at ages 10, 15 and in their mid-20s, found that the ones who began chores at ages 3 and 4 were more likely to have good relationships, achieve academic success and be self-sufficient than those who started as teens or had none at all.
Even better for your lawn? According to Richard Rende, a developmental psychologist in Paradise Valley, Ariz., and co-author of the book Raising Can-Do Kids, doing chores may actually be a better strategy for long-term positive social and academic outcomes than whatever extra-curricular activities your kids are doing that make them too busy for chores. “Parents today want their kids spending time on things that can bring them success, but ironically, we’ve stopped doing one thing that’s actually been a proven predictor of success—and that’s household chores,” he says.
Actually, getting them to do their chores is a much less scientific challenge, but here are a few things to keep in mind:
It’s not what you say, it’s how you say it: Thanking your kids for “being a helper” creates a positive identity. Saying “Let’s do our chores” underscores cooperation. Complaining about your chores guarantees they will, too.
Prioritize chore time: It should be seen as equal in importance to oboe practice or the amateur Audubon society picnic.
Turn chores into a game: “Did you know the world record for bringing the trash and recycling to the curb is 48.7 seconds? Think you can beat that?”
Focus on the family: Whatever you have them doing, it should benefit everyone in the family and not just them (or you).
Leave money out of it: Financially incentivizing kids for being a helpful members of the family sends the wrong message. Kids should get allowances, but for more on that, check out Ron Lieber’s The Opposite Of Spoiled.
Fay, Charles. “Parenting Articles, Tips & Advice: Love & Logic®: Love and Logic.” Love and Logic Institute, Inc, 25 Sept. 2019, www.loveandlogic.com/a/info/articles-and-advice-for-parents.
Rende, Richard, and Jennifer Prosek. Raising Can-Do Kids: Giving Children the Tools to Thrive in a Fast-Changing World. Perigee Books, 2016.
Lieber, Ron. The Opposite of Spoiled: Raising Kids Who Are Grounded, Generous, and Smart about Money. Harper, 2016.
